Johnny the Just,
I can tell by your question, that you're a looking for the best and easiest way to avoid a doctor. This I greatly recommend. Mainly because, if the earliest settlers of the United States had decided they would wait for a doctor to come along, they would have died days if not hours after running into a problem. Real pioneers, that's all I can say my friend.
Now, for the removal of your appendix. You will need a large mug, exacto knife, ice, diet coke, and toothpaste.
When you acquire these items. This is where you'll start. You will start by putting the ice cubes into the mug. Then slowly pour the diet coke into the mug, make sure it doesn't overflow. Next, you will take the toothpaste, slowly put it onto your stomach, approximately where your appendix is. make the line of toothpaste about 6"-8" long.
After the toothpaste has been applied to the region of the appendix. You will need to take the exacto knife, slowly cut along the line. It may hurt, but you will have to tough it out. If the pain get's to be too much to handle. Take a sip of the diet coke, swish it in your mouth, slowly swallow, then continue cutting. When you finish cutting along the toothpaste line. You will be bleeding everywhere, ignore the blood. Think of it as red cream soda. Red cream soda is always good to think of. You will need to reach your hand into the incision. Take a guess as to which organ is your appendix, and give it a quick strong tug. If you've done this, if you've removed the correct organ, you will live for approximately 30-45 minutes. If you've removed the wrong organ, you will die within 5 minutes.
Don't stress over these facts. Death is just another journey that we all must go on. Remember this fact:
?If death meant just leaving the stage long enough to change costume and come back as a new character...Would you slow down? Or speed up?? - Chuck Palahniuk.
Farewell my friend, I wish you the best on your appendix removal, and on your afterlife.
- Casanova J
All things, whatsoever ye shall ask in prayer, believing, ye shall receive.
Silly Jonny.. You don't need any apparatus, only your arm, and a small hole located conveniently below your upper body. Just reach up your anus and pull it out! Enjoy!
Make the strong tea of the ra'akahbi root and drink it twice a day for forty days. Then make the white paste from water and waraharabaha'abha haba leaf, rub it on your belly and shoot your appendix out with the AK-47.
Clearly you would use the "appendo extractus" curse.
-Edward Cullen
